Shot in the darkness

(originally written in April 2009)
I recently have experienced several events and heard many stories of events on the streets lately. I was struck by hearing gunshots for the first time in my neighborhood two weeks ago at about 1:30. Pop....pop-pop. My wife was in the next room nursing. I was awake enough to hear the shots and then listen for the sirens to confirm that someone had been hit, but not awake enough to actually get up and scope out the situation. I wanted to get up and ask my wife if the gunshots were infront or behind the house. It sounded distant enough that it wasn't much of a problem. My wife did not hear the shots when I asked her the next day.

I've heard gunshots before but this time it was different. This time my little baby boys were just in the next room. Where we have chosen to minister will impact them. They will be exposed to all this violence and madness. I remember when I was teaching 4th grade at Cornerstone Christian Academy how much the kids went through at such young age. One of the boys talked about how he had lost his virginity to his girlfriend and he was only 9 years old. Each one there knew someone who had been shot, and many knew relatives or neighbors who had been killed. Each one knew to duck even when just a car backfired. I remember during class one day someone started shooting outside. We had school in an old building, probably someone's mansion that was now converted into a school. There was a recreation center and a park across the street that took up an entire city block. The park was filled with broken glass and occasionally a strange individual that you would not want to meet in a dark alley. From the other side of the park the shooting began to happen. All the boys hit the floor like it was natural and started yelling for me to hit the floor as well. I ran over to the window being the dumb suburbanite hungry for action that I was. But this was real and a matter of life and death to the kids. They kept yelling, Mr. Stephan, Mr. Stephan, get down! Finally after a few minutes we resumed class. I'm struck by the fact that now my boys have to grow up with that. Its a reality I never knew nor think any child should grow up with. I never knew as a kid that you could loose your life or a person you admired or loved one in an instant because they were mistaken for someone else or involved in something they shouldn't have been. But now its something I deal with on an almost daily basis. My kids will when they are able to understand have to deal with it.

We now live near an area notorious for drugs and gun fighting. Our block seems to be more docile but it always spills over. 5th street in South Philadelphia. We get all sorts of weird reactions from native South Philadelphians when I tell them we've moved near 5th Street. I almost always find myself saying, its getting better, or well, yeah 5th street is bad but our block is a haven in the midst of the madness. All the while I'm thinking in the back of my mind, I hope its not as bad as I keep hearing. But bad or not, its now where I live, where my wife and kids live, and where we believed we've been called to live out the presence of God for now. Sometimes I feel a little embarassed to my South Philly Italian friends, yeah I live near 5th. Now that we live there, people do not comment quite as much, they just get that worried pained look on there face. My African American friends just kinda say, I wouldn't be seen around there.

The first time I heard gunshots close to home was near the first apartment we lived in on 10th and Snyder. I wasn't sure but they sounded different than fireworks. Now I've probably forgotten a few of the times I've heard them. But you never get used to it. I don't think my 4th grade boys ever got used to it. I doubt my boys will ever get used to it, I pray they don't. Each gunshot stands in your mind, alone. Was someone hit? Were two people shooting? Was it a driveby? Did I just hear the last sound that someone heard before they died? Should I run, should I hide, should I call the cops? What should I do? What can you do in the face of such things?